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June 30, 2004

x ex x ex x ex

okay, so, the "Go Obama! Here's My Money! Go Get 'Em!" party last night was great, lots of really good wine and food and it was awesome to hang out with my friends hannah and jorge...

but, my last ex was there. with his new girlfriend. and they looked so boring and happy and I just wanted to die, being there alone...looking more gorgeous than ever, of course, but alone. and stuff.

and this got me to thinking that I've been alone a lot, lately. and, in my heart of hearts, although I've got the friends and stuff, I'm just not feelin' the 'dating' turning to 'partnering'. not for the forseeable future, anyway.

a girl shouldn't ruminate about being alone for the rest of her life, at least, not when she's just beginning to be drunk.

damn. thank god for the lovely gay couple, who somehow knew to rescue me from the embarrassment of the ex and took me to play the "how drunk can we get and still be able to navigate the stairs to the train" game. the answer? three bottles of green wine, artfully poured from a great height, with no dinner to pad the fall.

thank god for the hannah, who invites me to lovely parties and who hopes to hire me for that short film thingy...hannah, darling, balm on the ego, you are.

thank god for the sister who calls me in the morning to distract me from the rest of the world and to ask "what the hell did you say on my voicemail at 1 in the morning? were you drunk?"

...and, because I can't start a list without going random and off-topic,

thank god for the friend who leaves me voice mail to thank me for the book recommendation.

thank god for the coworker who sends me entertainingly catty and unselfconsciously misspelled updates on what's going on in the content room.

thank god for the jocelyn who kicks my ass whenever I get swoony over the boys who are so not worth my time.

who will probably kick my ass for this, but the ex thing is the reason I haven't been writing, these last few weeks. I know, i tried to blame it on the work, the three trips, the horrendously complicated job interview that went hilariously wrong, but it's just that every time I sit down to write, I can't thinking about anything other than people who I was formerly dating. it's all about the stupid fucking exes - who I've done wrong, who's done me wrong, the amazing sex, the oh-my-god-get-him-off-me bad sex, the sitting in the bathtub while he read to me, the silly 8 hours it took for us to paint a tiny little super bathroom, the holding the ladder for me while I peeled the wallpaper off the walls in my crumbling apartment, the sitting forever for the drawings I know will never again see the light of day, the time he shaved his beard and I didn't recognize him until he kissed me, the spending an entire vacation with his mother, the coming home to an empty apartment, twice. you know, gleaming hardwood floors still remind me of the fact that i don't own a bed or a sofa or a stereo but that I own more books than anyone i know, unless you count that one PhD I dated who was so intellectual I felt guilty watching television when he was home...

jesus. the ex from the party wasn't even someone I miss. if he'd called I would have had to think before the "oh! hi! what's going on?" part of the phone conversation. but seeing that smart, cute, sinfully boring fellow there, all happy and stuff, really hit something home.

fuck. this is all there is, for now. the misty-eyed bitter boring ramblings of a cubicle farmer who really should post more pictures.

Posted by Heather at June 30, 2004 09:07 AM

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Posted by: Kevin at June 30, 2004 09:55 AM

Posted by: Greg at June 30, 2004 03:10 PM

Posted by: The Girl at July 7, 2004 10:18 PM

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