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February 05, 2004
finally figuring out what I was trying to say...I think.
Okay, thanks to your comments and the nagging feeling that my last post really needed something ... I sat down and really tried to figure out what I was trying to say. About setting people up with other people.
I've got these experiences to go on:
1) all the 'dates' my married friends have set me up with this past year.
2) all the 'dates' my single friends (who are either gay men or ms. jocelyn - which is pretty much the same thing as just saying "who are gay men" except for the hot girlishness of the dear girl) have set me up with in the past year.
3) all the dates I've set up for myself.
now, of these experiences, dates from the first category fizzle faster than pop rocks in coke. from the second category, I have reaped friends, lovers, and a few fizzles. from the third category....I've fizzled, mostly.
so, you see. fizzle from both ends, with a few fires in the middle. not too shabby. but, as it's all part of the 'looking for partners' landscape, the molehills of the disappointing fizzles become mountains...
but I'm seeing a pattern, in attitude, that I find with my single friend setup thing that I don't find with the married friend setups.
you've touched on it, however humorously, in your comments: the married friends set people up with more expectations than the single friends.
seriously. we all hope for the best, of course, that when we set someone up, they'll like each other and everything will move smoothly and whatever relationship they-all want, they'll get.
but the single fellas, they know that a good shag is as much of a success as anything - setting me up with people they would have (or probably have) shagged if they wanted. their setups are kind of like "eh, let's see where this goes" rather than "oh, they'd be so cute together! "
it seems there's so much more going on with couple setups - so much more, in fact, that the first date seems like a third interview. like you've already accepted the job and you're haggling on salary or something.
like you're obligated to hook up because you're best friends with the husband and he's best friends with the wife and if you got along, you could go on adorable little couples vacations together and plan barbecues together and watch your kids grow up together.
like if you remained single just one more minute, you'd somehow corrupt their spouse and the babysitter.
like you should settle, as they have.
or like you should settle now, because you don't deserve to find near-perfection early in life, as they have.
eh. fuck all that.
I suppose I'll just learn to not care about your expectations.
learn to be noncommittal, but nice.
learn to be brave and set myself up more often.
learn to not mind wasting a few extra evenings a month on duds, in hopes that noncommittal niceness will lead to the expansion of the friend network, rather than the appearance of "going through all the single friends until there's no one left who I haven't dated."
learn to let myself be loved, if it should happen. and to love back. it's happened before, it'll happen again. hell, it'll probably happen on the way to the train tonight.
Posted by Heather at February 5, 2004 10:16 AM
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Comments
It sounds like what you're trying to tell yourself - and others - is to not accept too much pressure from the Heavily Expectant Ones (HOEs, i.e., "dates", e.g., Date: "Hi, I'm Heath." Heather: "Oh, so you're my HOE!"). Best advice you can give yourself: move on. Don't let the dust settle on perceived failures for too long. Just keep going. I'm not going to give you the "you'll find someone someday" line - it's insulting. But I will tell you that you'll feel better about yourself if you're confident in the direction you're moving in. And if that means leaving some men trembling in your wake - both in fear and in awe - so much the better!
Now, I love you dearly, but I'd like to encourage you to break out your recent rut and write about something new.
Posted by: bran at February 11, 2004 09:33 PM
aww, bran. I was kinda thinking of this bit as a sort of tryptich.
never fear, I'm eventually moving on in my topics.
but in the mean time, I'm taking a page from your book and linking to old favorites while I'm working of something new!
Posted by: heather at February 11, 2004 09:39 PM
Rock on!
Posted by: bran at February 12, 2004 08:36 AM