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January 18, 2004
every so often, one should post a good quote, don't you think?
Just finished reading "Chasing Shakespeares" by Sarah Smith.
a fun book, reminds me of the da vinci code, but without the religious junque.
so, I'm reading along, enjoying the talk of shakespeare and his peers, the protagonist's journey to believing that perhaps shakespeare the writer was born 10 years before shakespeare the person, and I come to the quote that captures my imagination for a long moment:
You can't help it. They're just there, the beautiful wrong people; you come across them, you can't help it. Then they have you writing poems, they have you believing in things you aren't suited to believe, and the worst of it is you aren't going to come to your senses someday, your senses are here.
it's a writer's dream: that they'd have an affect on their readers. and for me, today, an author I've never met has helped me to decide that today is the day I stop feeling completely 100% responsible for the hearts I've broken (including my own) in the search for a partner.
I took the blame for falling out of love, for choosing wrongly, for kidding myself about looks or body hair or lifestyle or generosity. I took the blame for being more interesting than their current girlfriends, for letting people think that my fear of commitment was just a phase, for saying I could handle a life without meat or television or late-night talks about popular culture and trashy romance novels.
I'm not saying I'm not responsible for my participation in failed relationships. I'm just finally admitting to myself that I'm not the only person making things happen.
you knew as well as I did that we would never work.
but we both gave it a try - we couldn't help ourselves.
Posted by Heather at January 18, 2004 02:25 PM
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Comments
*claps* Getting to that point - working out you're not the only nutcase in and/or seeking a relationship and thus it might not entirely be your fault if your relationships seem to resemble train wrecks - is not easy. Though not as hard as learning how to mitigate the inner nutcase and actually have a relastionship that doesn't resemble a train wreck. :)
Posted by: kartar at January 18, 2004 05:09 PM
baby steps, kartar. baby steps.
took me 8 years to get here, so I should be happily ensconced in healthy, happy relationship bliss ...hmmm....right around my retirement.
Posted by: heather at January 19, 2004 08:29 AM
H - I'm excited for you for reaching this epiphany. I, too, know the pains of saddling the blame for the world's woes. And I, too, know what it means to take on more than my fair share of blame.
It's a function of low self-esteem, I think. We constantly ask ourselves, "What must I be doing wrong that things aren't working?"
Sometimes, we're not doing anything wrong at all. Sometimes we're part of the problem. And, others, we are the problem.
Navigating this - understanding our roles in our successes and failures - requires a little Matrix and a little Hamlet: Know thyself, and, To Thine Own Self Be True.
Even if you're the one making a total ass of yourself, you can always blame it on your inner Agent Smith.
22-B
Posted by: bran at January 20, 2004 02:11 PM
absolutely dang skippy heck yeah testifing fabulous yes yes yes!
Posted by: Katherine at January 22, 2004 11:38 AM