« my friends know cool stuff. | Main | snowmen and alan cumming. »
January 27, 2004
an open letter to my well meaning married friends.
I know you mean well.
I know that when the three of us go out to dinner, having a fabulous time, eating amazing food, talking about friends we have in common, about movies we really must see, about the hilarious book we're all going to write together someday....
when we're basking in the glow of a lovely evening, I can just see that moment when you and your incredible spouse look at each other and think "I have a friend who would love her!"
you call him/her when I get up to order another round, and the next thing I know, your recently-separated, michelob-drinking, jim-carey-loving accountant friend just happens to bump into us at the bar and I'm stuck trying to steer the conversation so no one gets hurt by thinking the four of us are on a double date or anything.
my darling married friends, my sweet, caring, friendly friends - surely you remember the simple fact: you can't just stick two single people in a room and hope for the best.
if you weren't married, you'd remember this.
you can't help that marriage has drained you--and your matching jcrew catalogue model physicist of a spouse--of your ability to judge others as potential mates. I understand this.
so let me help you help me.
Don't Set Me Up On Any More 'Accidental' Blind Dates.
not unless you can say to yourself:
"say, there's this person who is absolutely wonderful - beautiful, smart, funny, fast, cheap, and out of control - if I weren't married, I'd date this person. I think I should introduce this person to Heather because, well, it's impossible that they wouldn't get along."
in that case, give me a few minute's notice so I can run a brush through my hair or something. sheesh.
but seriously.
I need you to help me with this whole set-up thing because you know I can't just say no to a blind date. Hell, at the end of a long string of klunkers just a few short years ago, I thought I met my soul mate - a whip-smart hottie with blue eyes, curly hair, and the stamina of a nuclear-powered tantric robot. Granted, we were absolutely wrong for each other and it all ended in tears, but I came soclose to true happiness in that affair that it's still feeding the blind-date-hopefulness in me and I can't resist them without your help.
help me out, married friends, by finding comfort in going out as a threesome.
because all these blind dates are making me feel like Larry from Three's Company - a pathetically lonely bundle of hormones, looking for love in all the wrong apartment buildings with all the wrong stewardesses.
and you're not the only couple setting me up with klunkers. Remind me to tell you the story of the writer with too much money, not enough hair, and the voice of Fran Drescher. Or the one about the restaurateur who spent the entire excruciatingly quiet evening toying with his fork and sighing, then telling me our 'date' was the best time he'd had in years. Or even the dinner with the lovely asian gentleman who failed to tell me (or anyone else, I suppose) of his marital status (guess) until after he kissed me at the end of the evening.
yes, I realize that it takes two to tango. but I'm really really good at first dates. truly. and if even my expert attentions can keep the first date from going passably decently, well, I'm thinking it's not all my fault. and perhaps we should all just stop the madness.
but I can't do it all by myself.
Posted by Heather at January 27, 2004 11:27 AM
Trackback Pings
TrackBack URL for this entry:
http://www.picturepicture.net/cgi-bin/mt/mtb.cgi/188
Comments
Yep. Exactly what I meant. *thinks back to when he was single* Yep. Suffering. Pain. Lack of nuclear-powered tantric stuff.
And certainly - if we are in the Chicago area and feel the urge to set you up on a blind date then we'll be happy to recommend someone nuke-powered for you. Would be easier in Sydney though so if you drop by... :)
Posted by: kartar at January 28, 2004 04:29 PM
Although I know some absolutely wonderful single men, and some beyond fabulous single women, I know that no two of them would ever make a decent couple. Back when I was young and single, my coworkers would regularly try to sell me to unattached fellas. I remember how creepy that was.
Having said that, though, I know this wonderful guy . . . loves the WWE . . . he'd be purrfect for you *evil grin*.
Posted by: acr at January 29, 2004 07:29 PM
Tell these blind dates at the beginning of the evening that you always carry a can of Binaca and Pepper Spray. Then at the end of the evening, discretely remove one of the two from the purse and give said-suitor the hint.
But seriously: well-meaning friends could make the same set-up errors, too. Stop treating these blind-dates as dates and start treating them as simple opportunities to meet people and expand your social circle. You won't be as let down when things go to shit, and you'll be more surprised if they end up in bed.
Posted by: bran at January 30, 2004 08:45 AM
and hilarious tip, bran. I'll run out and get a purse and two mini-sprays this very evening!
but seriously, it's easier to expand a social circle in a non-date setting, tho. seriously. if it's a one-on-one setup, there's that weird 'dating' pressure that a party full of single people or a 'meeting friends for drinks' interaction doesn't have.
but I'll take your advice and see it: the social circle is expanding in leaps and bounds, this winter, with or without dating . . . perhaps by being 'off the market' in the married friend's circles, the social circle might remain in this 'expansion' state...
Posted by: heather at January 30, 2004 10:20 AM
Good lord. They don't want your happiness. They want you to share in their discontent. Ha, they will say, now she is just like us. Listen my friend of a few years, Chicago is just not like any other city in this regard. I have never seen a greater rush to conformity and convention than I witnessed there. You, in fact, were almost the sole exception. (Which makes me wonder at the deeper levels of the town you know which I am, clearly, blind to). Over here in Old Europe, the few married couples "we" know of are getting divorced. Two in the last week! One couple will probably provoke the splitting of at least one other. Gotta love Old Europe.
Yer Pal,
JP
Posted by: Junco Partner at January 30, 2004 02:30 PM
oh wow . . . how hard does it suck to be out on a date with someone utterly inappropriate? Especially when they are looking at you with those energy sucking insta-love eyes and trying really hard to show you how fabulous they are . . . because you know if you give them *any* encouragement at all you'll be fighting off a tongue with a mission from a man with really sketchy dental hygiene and it is all So Wrong . . . yeah, Heather, I *feel* you . . . being single is never so bad as when out on a blind date . . . oh gosh . . . give me a holler if you want to hear my whole "emotional spamming" theory that I've just worked out about guys . . . :)
Posted by: Katherine at January 30, 2004 07:11 PM
Distract your married friends from you by siccing em on me. Seriously! I could use a blind date or two...
Hell, why not, even a blind date with a guy ;)
Posted by: chandley at January 31, 2004 01:03 AM