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November 15, 2003
not exactly out of the blue, but close.
I can feel us beginning to pull away from one another.
The passion, the regard, the joy, the respect, it's all there, just...muted...becoming more...indistinct. . .
Where once we could hardly go two hours without seeing each other, or telephoning, or e-mailing, or text-messaging, it's now two or three days. Although we always re-unite with "I missed you" or "I'm sorry I've been so busy", it feels forced, as if we're trying to convince ourselves that saying the words will make the sentiment genuine...
I tried to convince myself you were just too busy with writing and marketing.
That I was too occupied with the office and the studio and the 2-hour-a-day commute.
I'm realizing our being busy is too laden with something else to be genuine.
We were both able to squeeze in a telephone call while you were doing the book tour, while I was schlepping my portfolio from audition to audition...
but we can't seem to make the time for each other anymore.
I know this next moment will soon come. I've gone through it a million times, in a million different relationships. The moment when we wake up in the morning and realize, all in one scary, horrible moment, that something that was once there has simply....vanished.
I've struggled with the guilt that comes from this realization - and I almost share the painful flinch of the familiar when I see it in your face, hear it in your voice.
The "it's not you, it's me" moment. The I love you, but I'm not 'in love with you." The moment that i used to do anything to avoid.
The moment that you're bravely postponing with every gentle, tactful, ever-so-polite word.
I'm avoiding this moment, too.
I think it's why I'm not calling you back as quickly as I could. Why I'm a little too busy to meet for drinks until next weekend.
It's partially because I want to pretend for just a moment more that we're still friendly lovers, rather than friendly...er...friends. . . but it's mostly because I want to see how you do it. How would you handle this situation - because with all the practice I've had in coming to this moment, I've never once successfully negotiated the obstacle course of "ending well" - but if anyone can do it, I know you can.
I could, of course, be a grownup and bow out gracefully. Put you out of your "how to gracefully break it off" misery with one swift phone call before we meet in a carefully selected public place in which you can break the news, let me cry on your shoulder, and offer one last kiss (perhaps just a little too eager for a breakup kiss) before we part ways.
but I'm just deluded enough to hope that my feelings, my hunches, my observations are wrong. And I'm perfectly willing to wait out the week, meet you for that drink, with this in mind.
so, in the mean time, here's to busy full time jobs that keep our minds off of life's painful realities,
and here's to hoping.
Posted by Heather at November 15, 2003 01:53 PM
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Comments
I have been the dumpee and dumper and being the dumpee is definitely nothing to wait around for. Why not just ask him if his feelings have changed instead of holding it inside and causing yourself that horrible mental wheels spinning in a mud bog feeling that you'll have to endure til you see him again? Why not just be upfront? :) Glad to see you writing more here but sad that it means that it may be another break in your heart . . .
Posted by: Katherine at November 18, 2003 08:33 AM
thanks for reading, Katherine - it's good to hear from you again.
I don't think I'll really wait 'til our date-for-drinks next weekend.
I've been waiting, mostly because I'd like to see how he handles this end-of-the-affair. He does everything else with such grace and presence-of-mind that I'm sure I'll learn something valuable that I can use if I fall in-then-out of love again.
I guess I sit back and watch, 'holding everything inside' because it's my lifetime MO - waiting to see what will happen before I react.
Perhaps I'll change my MO this week - the more I write, the more I realize how very much I hate waiting.
Posted by: heather at November 18, 2003 10:09 AM
wow, beautiful words for a heart-breaking situation.
even if you don't make it until the "date", just knowing you are trying something different is a good step; growing / maturing doesn't have to be right or wrong.
good luck & stay strong. on a positive front, good to hear the work is coming in - and you thought you were getting downsized!?
Posted by: miss ellen at November 18, 2003 12:46 PM
Oh, ma fille. Je pense à toi.
Ton ami,
(et abruti),
JP
Posted by: Junco Partner at November 19, 2003 01:01 AM
Heath, that was wonderful writing. Fiction or non, it captured a moment and feeling we all know - albeit some better than others.
Seeing the follow-up, I hope it's fiction. Knowing your talent for bluring the lines, I'm left to wonder.
I offer sympathy on your recently passed love, if required, and kudos on your writing in any case.
Posted by: oblivion at November 19, 2003 03:46 PM
not fiction, alas. so he won't be joining me when I come out to help mrs. oblivion with her interior design dilemmas....
thank you for your kind thoughts and words.
I'll try to take solace in my writing, thanks for the encouragement.
Posted by: heather at November 19, 2003 03:50 PM
It seems I have joined the conversation late ( courtesy of Geese Aplenty). You do indeed capture the end of a love affair very well-and it seems the timing is odd since I was recently left in the same place ( albeit not as mutually). Great writing.
Posted by: Bunni at November 22, 2003 08:13 PM
You have so perfectly expressed what we all dread, and yet expect even from the beginning now. But keep going at it over and over anyway. I suppose it's the contrast that makes you so happy, when that time comes.
Posted by: Glovia at November 24, 2003 09:56 AM