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September 27, 2003
sheesh, it's been a long time between posts.
In my last entry, I wrote about being too exhausted to write.
About how my job was draining me of energy to the point where my brain didn't know how to do anything other than make me ache and make me sleep.
What I didn't tell you: my days aren't just spent in an office.
Okay, I spend 20 hours a week in the office. another 10 commuting to and fro on the train.
I spend another 30 hours a week looking for jobs, auditioning at cattle calls, sending photos, having pre-shoot meetings with photographers and stylists, going to 'fittings' and 'shoots', trotting from office to office collecting hard-earned paycheques, then starting the whole process over again.
I know I used to bitch about how I didn't have anything to do, what with the not having a job and all.
but now I have three jobs. web designery, modelling, and the ever-exhausting "shopping myself around to get more jobs so I can pay the fucking bills." And it's turned me into an old woman, sleeping ten hours a night and feeling like I should try to fit in a nap in the middle of the day somewhere.
I promise, Multi-pass, I'm grateful for what I do have. but I'm just saddened by how much time I spend searching and sleeping. I can barely make it home on the train before I fall asleep, let alone call my favorite new yorker to purr sweet nothings into the phone and entreat him to speak in multiple adorable accents. . . and it is devastating that I can't put semi coherent sentences together for picturepicture like I used to...
I barely see the gentlemanfriend, what with the travel he has to do for his book tour and research trips and the bad overlap with my work schedules and CONSTANT SLEEPING...
I see the family all the time (did I mention I'm living with them?) and exhaustion makes me too crabby to be decent around them - every little thing is too loud, too often, TOO MUCH...
If I had any money, or any insurance, I'd take these health issues up with a professional. Pick up a few tabs of amphetamines, perhaps. jump start the engine and strike a decent balance between work, work, work, play, and sleep.
If I had any pride, I wouldn't pout like a princess on my website : "why can't everything be perfect and easy and happy and kittens and ponies and shiny-pretty? why won't you buy me something? Why can't I have a full-time job with insurance and enough to pay off the credit cards and have something left over so I can buy an apartment?" but I'm just too unfocused and sleepy and weirded out by the world to care about pride.
but I'm not too sleepy to forget to be grateful. just too forgetful to write about it. perhaps next time, I'll have words of thanks.
Posted by Heather at September 27, 2003 10:59 AM
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Comments
hey, it's refreshing to hear such honesty!
lunch next week? i swear, it looks like i'm finally coming home :) probably sometime later in the week would work best for me...
Posted by: miss ellen at September 30, 2003 05:56 PM
i'm home! finally.
if you want to grab lunch sometime this week, let me know :)
Posted by: miss ellen at October 7, 2003 11:37 AM