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September 16, 2003
my mind has been numbed by the vicious circle of life
I wake up, go to work, get drunk, go to sleep.
I wake up, go to work, see the man, go to sleep.
I wake up, go to work, come home, go to sleep.
I wake up, go to work, sob at the useless futility of it all, go to sleep.
yes. my life has become so terribly exhausting, I have stopped writing as often as I'd like.
I've also stopped playing as much as I'd like.
the only thing that has ramped up over the last week? the sleeping.
I used to be an insomniac, now I'm narcoleptic. I'm waking up at 7am and going to sleep at 9pm...I feel like I'm missing out on the world, but that's apparently the way it goes when you work.
I forgot how exhausting florescent lights can be.
how painful it is, to sit in an office chair specially designed for the previous occupant, who apparently had severe scoliosis and a hunchback.
how arbitrary dress codes are. but necessary for the spray starch and dry cleaning industries.
going to an office every day has also reminded me of the simple joys - wearing the hello kitty wristwatch, making a contest to see how much water you can drink in 4 hours (my record is 4 litres, I'm working on 5 today!), realizing that every day there's a different freak on the train with a different freaky thing to tell you while you're getting off at Clark and Lake.
I love my job, I like having something specific to do every day in exchange for a little bit of cash - but if I have to go through another day with a migraine, I will probably die.
happy thoughts creep in around the edges
- Mark and Amy's housewarming party
- the birth of Chris and Megan's second child (a girl!)
- the publication of the man's first book (it's in stores today! hooray you!)
- salsa concerts, dinner parties, introducing family members and sitting on the beach with my sweetie.
but the distance between these is so vast, the happy thoughts seem too far away to describe adequately.
I'm off to sleep again.
Posted by Heather at September 16, 2003 07:34 AM
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Comments
ah, babe, cheer up! at least know you are not the only one. i had been in quite the rut the past little while; try travellilng & working 13+ hour days - it really is, wake up -> work -> go eat dinner at 10 pm -> sleep.
those few snippets of time i spend back home are now glorious. i relish the chance to get out & play, dance, just be with friends....
yes, i could let it get me down & it does occasionally, but i try to remember that it's all about balance.
granted, the balance is WAY OFF right now, but i have to make up for it heavily.
i'll be home again this weekend for less than 48 hours, and you can believe i will take advantage of every second :) it's down to enjoying each *moment* of MY time and letting the rest of it blend into something called a paycheck.
MWAH! when i'm done in DC, we must lunch.
Posted by: miss ellen at September 23, 2003 11:05 AM
You of two functioning legs, rejoice.
You with a significant other, celebrate.
You with a loving family, smile.
You with places to go and people to see, appreciate.
So little time on this mound, enjoy it all as every moment may be the last.
P.S. Have you thought about lucid dreaming?
Posted by: Multi-pass at September 23, 2003 11:30 AM
Yay, our party got props.
BTW, thanks for the flowers! I was not aware of their existence until I got to sit on the couch after everyone left. Quite the arrangement. Amy's got some of them high and drying from the ass-ugly light fixture in the extended portion of the living room.
And wow, a Heather-boy who can converse with strangers (yes, that's my way of complimenting ;-)! Was nice to meet him.
As for your current whirlwind funk, I understandz. Just like the body, the brain can't be expected to adapt to new demands immediately after operating for so long a certain way (I had a gear-shifting analogy going, but wanted to avoid the implication that your mind was 'idling' while unemployed). Even if the work isn't difficult, it can be draining. I feel so lame when I get home from my non-physical job and I'm tired. But that's the way it goes.
Buck up li'l camper, you'll be home soon.
Posted by: Oblivion at September 23, 2003 12:53 PM
Hey you Heather. Back in France. And since hauling my bags up from the train station I have done exactly *n*o*t*h*i*n*g* except write and chase the cat. Not to say nyah, nyah--but nyah, nyah. (Teaching starts next week, however).
Posted by: Junco Partner at September 25, 2003 07:12 AM
You'll get used to working life again. Try having kids.
Posted by: Glovia at September 25, 2003 10:15 AM
Lately I have been cursing being self-employed: no health insurance, no sick days, no vacation days, constant cash flow problems, no co-workers to kvetch with on a daily basis, no reason to get dressed for work when its a phone and paperwork day but then I read your latest entry and you remind me that working in an office gives me mental/physical/spiritual/emotional hives . . . I may be broke and lonely but at least I can regulate my own fresh air and choice of lighting! Thanks so much for the uplift! :) P.S. - I enjoy your blog - you seem to have such style, strength, integrity . . . :)
Posted by: Katherine at September 27, 2003 08:38 AM