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August 02, 2003
Listing....listing...
Okay. Here we go.
I'm a list maker, as you may have noticed. I revel in making lists of things, rhythmically pounding points into my head until the true point is honed, sharpened, undeniable.
I've now reached the point where my list of points has come to a head: in other words, I'm now trying to talk myself out of falling in love (for more than just a few moments at a time).
yup. makes no sense, but there it is. I've got three lists going:
1) the "oh my god, I'm not good enough, smart enough, fast enough, complex enough for you" list.
2) the "every single thing he does reminds me of something one of my exes used to do - and I promised myself to learn from my mistakes" list.
3) the "what do we have in common, please god let this list make me feel better about blowing off the other lists in favor of telling him I love him, and asking how he feels, once and for all" list.
so far, thanks to my midwestern american upbringing (confidence is king, here in the flyover zone), the first list is pretty damned short, the second list is terribly long (that same upbringing, again), and I'm afraid to start the third list for fear of actually convincing myself that it's not worth it.
I mean, we haven't known each other very long, and already I'm naming our four children (dakota, umbaldo, basil, and sanxi), furnishing our house with tansu chests and selling our cars in favor of city bikes.
I'm also imagining his face slamming shut at the very idea that I'd want to date him exclusively, let alone fall in love with him...I can just hear that deep rich voice of his as he says "oh, come on now, we've only known each other a few weeks...I thought we were just having fun...I'm not ready for a relationship, we were just having a good time, weren't we?"
duking it out between those two thoughts are still other possibilities, that he'd be even more insanely involved, emotionally, than I....that he'd have a wife and kids in belize that he's just DYING for me to meet...that I see him again and fall out of love, again. for good. . .
I'm remembering that he has the same job as one ex, dresses very much like another, is even more gorgeous as still another, but thankfully doesn't chew with his mouth open like one guy, or answer his cell phone every single time it rings...he's amazingly non-judgemental, and he makes up his own vocabulary in three languages...I'm not having any of those twinges of "oh no, he's just like the guys before him, I should learn from my mistakes and run"... but I'm still strapping on my running shoes, just in case...
my arguments to keep it to myself are convincing, actually. I think I can keep my cool for a little while longer. it's better to play it cool, right? to prolong the selfish joy of puppy love without knowing for sure if he feels the same way? to eke out one more month of feeling like a seventeen-year-old with a crush (oh no, this isn't even close to love! It's a crush! yes! a crush! that's it!) before I fold and someone shows their cards?
I say this, and know this to be a good thing for all involved, but then again...staying up nights together, giggling about spelling bees and theater and writing and making up new nicknames for exes...and keeping myself up most other evenings, making lists and trying not to remember the whole mushy god-he's-gorgeous-with-the-moonlight-on-his-cheekbones....all this sleeplessness has weakened my resolve.
and then, on top of all this list making, I remember how he successfully taught me (me! The clumsy one with no physical graces whatsoever!) to feel comfortable enough in my own body to successfully learn a new dance. how I trust him enough to try new things with him, and to teach as well as be taught. how he makes me believe in being a gentleman, even when you're a lady. how seeing him with another young woman, however jealousy-inducing, makes me think 'oh, she'd be good for him, they have this and that and the other thing in common...oh, how happy they'd be" rather than "I'll kill him. I'll kill her. the both of 'em. together"...
oh man. he's got me wrapped around that little finger of his, doesn't he?
shit.
and I see him tomorrow afternoon. what to do? what to say? I think I'd better get some sleep tonight - and see which way the wind blows tomorrow....
Posted by Heather at August 2, 2003 03:31 PM
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Comments
I say go for it. Life is too short to waste time and fuck around. Better to take the chance I say and if he doesn't feel the same, then he's a fool to pass up such good fortune. As a Butthole Sufers song once taught me, "it is better to regret something you have done, than something you haven't done". Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
Posted by: mxv at August 6, 2003 01:41 PM