Nicely put. I wish it wasn't that hard either, and it doesn't have to be, but I haven't met too many people who think like that.

Lovers Anonymous Step 1

Crashing from the private highs long enough, makes one realize that long term sharing, although a series of highs and lows, is more rewarding in the long run.

Nice post, darling.

Unless one what one is really in love with is the idea of one's self in love.

Then each private flash of feeling is just another look in the mirror, and each new boy just another outfit to pose in.

That kind of vanity isn't conducive to sharing...But perhaps there's hope. If two narcissists meet and gaze into each other's mirrors, and each sees him- or herself as he or she wants to appear, they might adore themselves together indefinitely...or at least until one gets bored.

This may sound like mockery, but it's not meant to be. The vain have a right to pursue the happiness that's possible for them, and even the happiness that isn't.

The unique danger for them would be taking pride in being the first one to get bored; that added dash of cruelty will doom the narcissist to being alone. But, on the other hand, she'll never run out of mirrors...

I think what heather's trying to say here is that she was having a hard time being brave enough to fall in love with just one person. And that she's taking baby steps towards the potential horror of possibly being dumped as harshly as she's been dumped before. In hope that she can love and be loved again.

I'm not 'reading' vanity and shallowness here. I'm reading about pain and recovery.

But your comments made me wonder: How can vanity proclude depth of feeling? Loving one's self *is* the first step in truly loving another, isn't it?

This has indeed been the summer of love. But you know how it goes. For me at least - either all the people are in love with you at once, or no one is. All this falling in and out of love leaves me commitment-phobic. You?

To be honest, I haven't crashed from the highs, yet. I'm drifting from neutral to high to neutral...I think of it as payback for the permanent lows of last year - lost love took a lot out of me.

I think I'm coming out of a commitment phobic phase and re-entering the land of the lovers again. I think that's what this love thing is all about, for me. it's about sticking a toe in the water before deciding to jump in.

and in the mean time, the possibilities are clear, warm, and oh so sweet.

Egil's comments reminded me of one of the vivid memories I have from my wedding:

An attractive woman.
And her sharp-dressed date.
Strutting around the lawn.
Like peacocks.

Not in a bad way. I'm not judging right or wrong - a wedding is a lot about theatrics anyway (not a marriage, mind you, but a wedding). THEY looked content. Though he might have been a bit full of himself. And his sneakers.

"Loving one's self" in the sense of healthy self-esteem, as Sparks seems to mean it, isn't vanity. Loving "the idea of one's self in love" (the phrase I used) is a species of vanity. It requires a lover, but not any particular lover, and the focus is always on one's self.

For many people it can thrive on multiple lovers, or on serial lovers. Some may enjoy the image of themselves as being pursued by several different people, to demonstrate (to themselves) their broad appeal. Some may enjoy the image of themselves in multisided relationships - "Look, I'm free," they tell themselves, or "Look, I'm progressive and sophisticated." Others may simply try to run up their total number of partners as high as possible, like a score in a game: "Look how many people wanted me."

Still others will obsess about a single lover - or, rather, about themselves in relation to that lover. They don't say, "Look at her, I love her," but "Look at me, I'm in love"...or "Look at me, I love someone who is [beautiful/smart/rich/etc.]." Usually this wears thin; they need new self-satisfaction, from a different source, and move on.

Of course, many will try different combinations of or twists on the things I've listed here. Unfortunately, none of these strategies seem to work for any but the most cold-blooded and narcissistic people. In anyone else, they don't preclude "depth of feeling" right away, but over time; reassure yourself enough times in any of these ways, and you get diminishing returns, like hits off a crack pipe. But it's very hard to stop.

So when I see Heather -- who *so often* proclaims her own beauty, her own brains, her own freedom -- write, "I don't have to share this feeling - I can take it out, enjoy it, and put it back again when I'm done" and "your unabashed adoration makes me love you" and when I see her revel in the idea "that you have no idea that I just fell in love with you and fell out of love," I hear narcissism, yes. (Not shallowness.) When she asks "Is this an addiction?," my answer is yes.

But when she asks how she can start sharing again, I have no answers, I'm afraid. (And I need some too - believe me. We've all tried inadvisable strategies to beat heartbreak.) All I can manage is, "Break your bad habits," which is easier said than done.

The best treatments of this particular problem that I have seen are Blake's poem "The Clod and the Pebble" and Marcel Carne's film "Children of Paradise," both of which I recommend to everyone. Unfortunately, both make a strong practical case for being cold-blooded, unless you really want to be a tragic figure (which is also vanity).

Sorry to have raved on like this, but recent posts here moved me to speak. Best of luck, Heather.

Why wean oneself of anything wonderful? Ne soyez pas protestante! Why not keep nursing until the state steps in?

...I'm happy to have moved you, Egil.

I'm grateful to you for the editorial, as well, as I was wondering what was missing from picturepicture.net....the one-dimensional nature of the storytelling (which I confess to having cribbed from other, more oft-read bloggers) is a bit lacking. by not identifying the outside characters of her story as distinct individuals, picturepicture.net is an opera in which the company members, save one single voice, are more theatrical forces than fully fleshed characters. leading the story to seem more self-centered and, even, narcissistic than simply a tale of an adult with far too many insecurities about relationships, and, well, life - too many to be a real person, surely.

You'll be happy to hear that whatever bad habits and strange addictions may have been reflected in the site, however caged in vanity and even narcissism, are merely the result of my experience as a copywriter for technical manuals and catalogues, rather than my own experiences. you get used to writing everything as small blurbs, it can be difficult to see a view of the big picture.

I've been enjoying a new relationship now, for a while. one that started as open, casual, 'we're dating plenty of people' and has slowly, strangely, unexpectedly moved to a 'I don't want to date anyone else, either - let's see how this is going" thing over the last month. it has yet to make a full appearance into picturepicture.net's world, actually - I'm feeling a bit shy about liking someone so much and writing about it, especially after the debacle over the last time I wrote about just one person for too long.

But, lucky for my offline life I'm able to break any new bad habits I may have accumulated over this summer of boy toys. My newfound partner - through his own bravery, eloquence, and emotional vulnerability - has set an example for me which was difficult, but not impossible, to follow.

and I hope to live up to his example for a long time. or, even for a short time from which I'll walk away from less harmed than I have been in the past. as you see, I'm still learning how to be optimistic, but he is certainly worth the potential for heartbreak.

I've dropped hints about how wonderful he is, how much I adore him, through picturepicture.net, but those hints were woven into the character and into the many boys of the tonic of summer.

and he's delighted in his clandestine appearances over the last few months - I think it's part of what made him brave enough to come forward with his feelings in the first place.

mm...and forward he's come. oh my, yes.

i'm not saying this to be nasty, i'm legitimately puzzled. what ARE you going on and on about?

What is she going on and on about?

Well partly I think it is a response to a previous comment made but more accurately I suspect it is Heather's way of responding to (or dealing with?) the potential that she might be in love and the associated combination of optimism, hoping, wishing, worrying, fearing, dreaming, cringing, panic and happiness that comes with the realisation.

Uh . . . ? Sorry, but if a weblog needs Cliffs Notes someone is taking themselves a little TOO seriously. . .

ok that was snottier than I meant it to be.

oh delia, one of the perks of being in love is taking yourself too seriously.

you also get to over-analyze everything, and wear silly hats.

Ooh! I want the pirate hat!