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April 28, 2003
Penis Puppetry Recap
so, yes, we went. to see the penises. all 13 of us trundled over to the theatre, cheerfully tipsy and warily getting to know each other - as we're all becoming 'family' over the next few weeks.
3 of us were a bit guarded against the other 10, who were bent on getting jeffiner up on stage for a bit of hands-on fun-with-the-naked-guys. (thankfully some brave soul trundled herself up to the stage just as they began the 'who's coming up for audience participation time?!?' song, so my sister stayed safely in the audience).
1 of us coming to see the show for the second time in the week, only to see the reactions of the 2 older members of the gang (yes, the mother and aunt of the groom did join us, and yes, we all laughed, cried, and were somewhat creeped out to have felt the show, however briefly, become a part of us).
1 of us, if rumor is to be believed, was seeing penises - in person - for the first time ever.
12 of us enjoyed margaritas at the crowded 'cesars' after the show, as the other 1 was pregnant. (with a 50/50 chance of that foetus having a penis, making her the only one of us who could say she possibly had a penis on her person during the puppetry performance)
most of us (I didn't get a tally) bought t-shirts to proudly sport on the second bachelorette party (this upcoming weekend - any suggestions for good dancing on rush-and-division?). the t-shirts read: PEN15 - which, as you can see in the enclosed photograph, looks like it reads 'penis" but, as the purveyors were prompt to point out, no self-respecting woman would buy a t-shirt with 'penis' on it! they failed to anticipate the number of women in the audience who have a shortage of self-respect.
although, if I can't respect myself, at least I can say I have a more than respectable rack.
and yes, andrew, I was also shocked there wasn't a penis puppet to practice on. there were, however books for sale, and, as brian pointed out, one could get autographs at Friar Tuck's after the show. just the thing for the gal who has everything!
Posted by Heather at 11:16 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack
April 25, 2003
The Lost Art of Genital Origami
I may have mentioned that my sister is getting married in May. Part of my duties, as a Bridesmaid, Maid of Honor, Sister of the Bride, and Hottie-in-Waiting, is to take her out for a night of bachelorette debauchery.
Because she's more than a sister to me {she's a tiny little super sister with a rack to die for}, she's getting two bachelorette parties, and tonight's the first - we're going for margaritas, then we're sitting down to a night of Puppetry of the Penis.
that's right. we're going to watch a couple of fellas touch their dicks for 45 minutes. and we're paying for the privilege.
there are so many reasons why this is wrong. but it's part of every good society woman's wedding preparation - who am I to argue?
Let me know if you want a souvenir!
Posted by Heather at 03:03 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
April 22, 2003
I'm sure there are all sorts of adorable ways of putting this...but...
Summer colds suck. Seriously. I didn't realize that the Nyquil bottle copy could be used as a checklist before: "congested-stuffy head, sore throat, coughing, aching, fever..." check, check, check...the only thing the bottle's missing is sneezing, but I don't mind the sneezing if the other stuff isn't attached.
I remember the ex and I used to argue about that - he had August allergies, with itchy eyes and frequent bursts of sneezing. I told him I'd trade his fall sneezing for my spring runny nose and he would insist that I wouldn't love it if I sneezed all day, every day, for a month. I've only had this cold for three days, but already, I beg to differ - thanks to three days of sneezing, I've got beautifully tight abdominal muscle definition, and feel more...er...relaxed than I have in weeks.
I'm a bit sorry the cold has kept me from tonight's Chicago Blogger Happy Hour at the Black Beetle, but I sent my minion to enjoy the evening in my stead, and look forward to everyone's accounts of the get together. A list of the titles from the CD exchange would be amusing, as would an account of anyone who misguidedly took sourbob's "Customary Warning To People Drinking With Him For The First Time" as a challenge.
I'm sure I'll be better in time for the next one - I miss most everyone already!
Posted by Heather at 10:56 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
April 18, 2003
The Bloodthirsty Lovers are boobalicious.
went to the bloodthirsty lovers concert with himself last night. this is already a pretty damned noteworthy event, as y'all should know how very, very much I hate live music. I could swear we were there 7 hours, although they only played 12 songs. . . anyhoo, This show would have been the typical boring as hell sausage party (bob says there are 21 women here, overall, but i'm still underwhelmed. ) if it weren't for the crazy exhibitionist couple next to us...the paraplegic boyfriend guy was TOTALLY sucking his 'ladyfriend's' tits right out in the middle of the room.
now, seriously, folks. I understand exhibitionism. I understand making out in public. I even understand how the passion of a new relationship could lead you to do embarrassing public things that you wouldn't normally condone. But a the same time, they were pretty much in the middle of the room, sitting (one, as I said, paraplegic in a wheelchair, the other seated in a chair she dragged over from our table on the side of the room) right at eye-level of the row of seated people just a few feet away from them. And he was just reaching his hands into her blouse, pulling out 'the girls' and noshing on them like this totally normal behavior for the middle of a room. Granted, the guy and his date were both totally cute, and infinitely watchable, but you'd think they'd have a little decorum.
this is the midwest, after all.
They left after 3 songs (15 hours into the set, by my watch). Not before the guy caught both me and the sour one totally gaping at them, of corpse. I mean, it's not like there was anything to watch on stage...this is a live band, after all.
for the record, bob said the show was pretty good, if you like that sort of thing, and we did get in free, on account of the bob being friends of friends of the lead singer. and we did only stay for 18 hours of the 35 hours scheduled. or something like that.
so, there you go.
Posted by Heather at 09:24 PM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
April 14, 2003
portfolio schmortfolio
I may have mentioned a few times that I am taking classes towards a web design/production certificate.
I may not have mentioned that my unemployment takes every shred of creativity, motivation, and focus and throws it out the window, through the forest, and into the street, where they are likely to be run over by a truck. Or perhaps unemployment takes the team (creativity/motivation/focus) out to a nice dinner, and then to the clubs for dancing. either way, I haven't seen them in months.
as is evidenced by the fact that it's taken me 4 hours to even begin to get the materials together to start my "css essentials" assignment.
the materials needed? my resume, and portfolio images/docs in a useable size. that's it. I can't believe I had to bribe myself with beer and a bath in order to get as far as saving everything into a folder and re-naming things. How did I get through the day when I was employed?
I'm estimating another 8 hours of work on this relatively simple "use CSS to put up a resume and portfolio in multiple-page format, with a link to a printable resume" site.
no wonder I've only gotten 13 calls on the million resumes I sent out last week. they can detect the slack in my soul.
at least I found a moment of unslackishness to work on converting, re-designing, and moving over to moveable type. you did notice, didn't you?
Posted by Heather at 07:30 PM | Comments (6) | TrackBack
If only Burlesque shows were as fun in real life as they are in my imagination
Went to see Martyr's dyke burlesque on Saturday night - we only stayed for the first act, as it was really really pointless to stay if we couldn't see the stage. I love the ladies, as we all know, so the queer vibe was excellent, but the view was horribly obscured by several insensitive giants holding cameras. It's not like anyone was saying anything funny or interesting (perhaps the second act was more fun, but the possibility of boredom seemed more likely), so we left with the satisfaction of a benefit performance well-funded. And with a new annoying-as-fuck song for the date to torture with me while we're in the car.
oh yes. I've been driving like mad this past weekend, doing very well, thank you, and I think I'm just 20 or 30 practice trips away from having a go at driving on the expressway. look out jeffiner, I may be showing up to hog your enormous suburban bathtub more often in the near future! For the record, I'm not as scary a driver as some people have made me out to be - I'm just nervous with new passengers. and expressways. and parking lots.
Nothing else to report, actually. Watched a few million hours of the first season of 24, and looking forward to a million hours of Jonathan Creek. Still applying for jobs. Still calling temp agencies. Still building and re-building my writing sample/webdesign/print portfolio. Still trying not to panic about the fact that my unemployment cheques will soon stop arriving.
Posted by Heather at 02:07 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
April 09, 2003
Dreams of an Insomniac
being an insomniac isn't as great as it looks on tv and in the movies. I mean, yes, I'm getting a TON of reading and tivo-watching and list-making done. Yes, I've finally found the time to squeeze in that 20-minutes a day to work out. and I've found another 20 minutes a day to look at the parts I've been working out, and another 2 minutes to say "damn, girl, that's some fine ab work you've been doin'!"
yes, I've been looking for jobs. and applying.
but I've also had hour upon hour of time where I'm crying because I'm so tired that it's painful.
hours where I'm obsessing over the things on my lists - the things I should do when the rest of the world is awake -
'should I do laundry before or after I paint the hallway?'
if I do it before, I'll have clean clothes. if I do it after, I risk swiping the clothes down the length of the hall when I go to put them away. but I'll probably swipe the wet paint anyway, so I should probably stay out of that part of the house for a few hours
what do I need from that part of the house before I start painting?
Ooh, the bathrooms are in that part of the house, which means if I want to be cleaned up after painting, I will need to wait and just scrape the latex off rather than shower it off...unless I can be absolutely sure I can be careful in walking down the tiny little hallway without brushing against the wet paint....no, I'll just scrape the latex off
which reminds me, I think there's still a box of gloves in my safe-sex kit,
I should use those to keep the paint from squeegeeing under my nails....
how depressing that I'm using my sexxy latex for DIY.
when was the last time I used gloves for non-DIY purposes? how old are those gloves, anyway? I wonder if there's anything else in that kit that I've forgotten? are these batteries still fresh?
hell, maybe I'll just paint the hallway in the opposite direction
and end up trapped in the bathroom for a few hours. clean those brushes, take a good bath....yeah, that's what I'll do. a couple of hours in the bath. that sounds relaxing.
so you see, I'm utterly incapable of being productive while I'm suffering sleeplessly. I'm just a nattering list-maker. No good use to anyone, like this.
by the way, I never got to painting the hallway - the parents saw the freshly prepared walls, the perfectly masked moldings, the luxuriously drop-clothed floors, and decided to paint it themselves. and promptly swiped each and every corner while cleaning up after, thank you very much. (it's really a very small hallway)
Posted by Heather at 12:00 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack
April 08, 2003
Shabby Little Books
notable birthday gifts from the weekend-long birthday celebration:
hundreds of birthday hits from my lovely linkity friends.
well wishing e-mail from the readers of said linkity friends, and from my own wild bunch.
a frilly little sundress, cash-filled cards, and a bag full 'o' sour candy from my family.
a full day of movie watching, sake, and home-cookin' on a cold rainy day from sourbob, who I forgot to explicitly mention when I wrote this post yesterday.
several call-backs from long-forgotten resume submissions.
the best gift ever?
the successful launch of our new publishing company, shabbylittlebooks.com.
more info to come on the SLB site, of course, but in the mean time, read all about it, and click on the link below to be a part of the pre-ordering throng.
Posted by Heather at 12:00 AM | TrackBack
April 03, 2003
Oh, Birthdays.
it's my birthday today. right now. Already, the songs and cards are streaming in. Seriously, my "in bed by 10:30" mom woke up to my brother's raucous chorus of Happy Birthday and did an adorable sleepy version of her own, and Sourbob sang to me in Italian. all before 12:30.
My skin's gift to me? No zits, wrinkles, or weird speckles this birthday!
My body's gift to me? No pain during midnight pilates!
(my gift to my body - midnight pilates)
My tivo's gift to me? A newish episode of the Gilmore Girls, an old Sex in the City, three CSIs, a documentary on Maya Lin, and a Dinner for Five, Janeane Garafolo, Dave Eggers, and David Byrne.
The internet brings me a new issue of Born Magazine, including this particularly beautiful piece.
I'm looking forward to a day of lazy, of sleepy, of eating and hanging out. perhaps going to see my sister's friend's band, if we feel like it after gorging on chocolate cake with buttercream icing.
allow me to copy naz by getting googlism to tell you more about me on my birthday you decide which is a slight exaggeration:
heather is the best little
heather is somewhat nifty
heather is growing
heather is writing more in the line of mystery novels now
heather is almost too literal
heather is almost too operatic
heather is the greatest
heather is here
heather is angry
heather is thinking is what heather is thinking is exactly what i am thinking
heather is a midsummer tree
heather is so beutiful
heather is the bestest
heather is going to be talking to you about simulations of the brain and mind
heather is writing more
heather is ready are you?
heather is looking for a college that offers molecular biology or east asian studies
heather is a chicago house pioneer trained in the art of transforming dance floors
heather is 90%cotton/10% poly
heather is stronger than that of any other tree or shrub
heather is 90
heather is as sweet as pie
heather is a delightful light
heather is a live album that was released in 1993 called 'blow'
heather is now requesting that a petition of mercy be granted so that she can be released
heather is quoted as saying
heather is a hero because she is passionate and believes in using her skills to influence others to care better for the environment
heather is most abundant in section 9
heather is an online jewelry boutique of classic and simple everyday styles
heather is standing out of camera range
heather is banished
heather is sometimes called cuphia
heather is an evergreen ascending shrub
heather is verey cool
heather is married to rocker richie sambora of bon jovi
heather is a detail oriented professional in every endeavor
heather is well known as a cartoonist and is often seen with a queue of people waiting for a sketch of their dog at game fairs
heather is commonplace on the moorlands of northern europe and plays an important role in the ecology of highland regions
heather is scarily obsessed with angel sanctuary and mobile suit gundam
heather is pregnant with richard's heir
heather is a slim and attractive brunette with pert and petite beasts
heather is always eager to recruit new volunteers and explains there are several ways to become involved
heather is an excellent witness for jesus christ wherever she goes
heather is evidently one of that type of indians
heather is a confessed techno
Posted by Heather at 12:00 AM | Comments (0) | TrackBack